8th April 2022
It’s been about 7 months since I started this whole placement, and I’m still having doubts and dilemmas, although this time, they’re centred on whether freelancing and/or self employment are actually viable options for me, now that I’m actually doing it for real, but it’s too soon to give up just yet.
All of this will be over in 2 months, and it feels so close, yet so far away at the same time. I want this to be over with, but at the same time, I don’t want it to be over just yet, where I’ll inevitably deal with a summer of uncertainty, maybe working 2 part time jobs just so that I have something to do before heading into my final year in September.
At this point, I’m just flip flopping through it, going through the motions, doing it for the sake of doing it. I know that deep down, this isn’t for me, but I have to keep a facade up for the next 2 months, just to be able to get through this, and there’s nothing worse than just keeping up appearances to please others. It’s frustrating, because I’ve always wanted to go freelance/self employed as a career option, but now that I’m doing it, I realise that maybe this isn’t what I want after all. I’ve tried all my might, and I still continue to do so, but it just doesn’t sit right with me, especially when you throw personal branding into the mix.
I also did some personal branding this week (albeit creating my own typeface, my own typographical logo, as well as creating some illustrations which depict myself, or rather, a representation of how I see myself), and it felt like the most egotistical and dissociative thing that I’ve ever done to the point where I hated the exercise of doing that. I have no idea how influencers do it, or how normal people who think they’re someone do it.
I’ve done some personal branding, and now I hate myself for doing it, especially since I’m one who avoids the spotlight, which is probably why I don’t want to brand myself, since it feels too limiting, like I’m boxing myself in to look and act a certain way, whether it aligns with my own values or not.
I don’t want to be a people pleaser, but this placement year is sure as hell looking like an ugly hot mess right now because of that, to the point where I wonder why I even decided to take it up in the first place, knowing that everyone else on my course will graduate this year whereas I have to wait another year, but as long as I’ve got the experience, that’s the main thing.
Another thing I’ve been introduced to is voice notes as a marketing technique, something people use now in order to Please The Instagram Algorithm™ so that they can get more customers and clients as well as getting more people to look at their stuff in general. Whilst this sounds like a good idea in theory, it’s going to end badly in practice, since both parties will just talk to themselves, which can be annoying, and much worse than just messaging each other through good old text, or just simply phoning each other up.
Voice notes seem to be neither here nor there since they’re in between texting and calling, but not in a good way either. I get the appeal of why people would do them (so that the other person can hear the other person and know that they’re real), but hearing the sound of my own voice just to understand the general gist of the conversation isn’t going to work, especially since it’s easier to just scroll through the conversation and read all the messages. I’m still wary about voice notes, but apparently it makes it all the more personal. I just find them creepy, despite the fact that as of now, I haven’t received a voice note.
I’ve received voice mails for sure (it’s usually the other person telling me who they are, and why they called, as well as them requesting me to call back), but that’s different, and I actually prefer them, just so that I know that the number who was calling me is actually genuine, and not just some robocaller trying to scam me out of some false claim or the other.
So, that’s been my week, and honestly, I just can’t wait for this placement year to be over, because it feels like I’m going through the motions, doing everything just for the sake of doing it, trying to extend on an old dream which I realise is no longer serving me, nor is it sparking any joy any longer, since I’ve come to realise that doing what you love, and following your passion is actually really bad advice.
I know it’s all the rage these days, but I know that this doesn’t work for me at all, because if you do what you love, you’ll end up hating it one way or another, since you’re now responsible for doing that thing, even if you don’t want to do it. In a way, I’m glad I’ve had this year to realise that, because if I didn’t, I still would have always thought about it, and it would have always been a source of wonder, instead of something that I’ve actually done. Sure, I could have read everything about it, but experiencing it is different since you decide for yourself if it’s actually something that you want to do, or if it’s something that’s been put into your mind by others.